I recently had a not-so-pleasant conversation with a lady who called me in a work context to discuss a situation she was unhappy about. She wanted me to use my office to influence a particular outcome, and while she had every right to raise a concern, she did not have the right to express it the way she did. She shared her displeasure in the most unpleasant manner, unleashing a wave of raw, unprocessed emotions.
Even though I empathised with her and immediately began navigating a resolution, she continued escalating. I nudged her to slow down, to process what she was feeling before speaking, but she insisted it was her right to “go off the handle.”
And that is the whole point of this article. No, it is not your right to be rude to people in the heat of the moment. That is not “expression.” It is abuse, emotional violence dressed up as honesty, especially when done from a position of authority.
By the way, Emotions are not Gendered
Unlike what we do at many workplaces, no, I am not about to treat emotions as a “women’s issue” because emotions are universal and not a gendered trait. Both men and women experience frustration, excitement, disappointment, and pressure. The difference lies in how these emotions are expressed and interpreted.
Historically, masculine norms have shaped the workplace. Behaviours like visible frustration — clearly a sign of anger — are frequently labelled as “passion,” while the same emotion when expressed by women are dismissed as “emotional.”
Two wrongs don’t make a right — just because men have historically been excused for emotional outbursts doesn’t mean women should replicate the same behaviour. But the real truth is simple: Emotions are human, not gendered. And when we label the same emotional expression differently depending on who displays it, we reinforce stereotypes instead of supporting real professionalism. This double standard distorts reality.
The standard should be: “Everyone, not women alone, must practice emotional regulation.” It shifts responsibility from gender policing to professional maturity. Because no matter who you are, your emotional footprint affects the people around you. And that was exactly my expectation from this lady, not that she didn’t have a right to be unhappy, but to display professional maturity and leadership.
Emotional Mastery = Leadership
Nobody deserves to be hit with someone else’s unmanaged motions at Work. What we should stand for is emotional mastery. Mastery means recognising your internal state and choosing your response with intention.
This is where emotional intelligence becomes leadership. Something as simple as scanning your emotional state before speaking can transform your leadership presence. I recently learned practising this three-way test of framing how to respond: Am I reacting or responding? What is the message I want to land? Is this the right moment to speak?
Next, communicate with clarity, not heat. Clarity reduces conflict. Ambiguity increases emotional friction. Emotional intelligence means: not dumping raw emotions on people, not weaponising feelings, not making colleagues pay for your stress, and not allowing workplace culture to excuse harmful patterns. This characterises non-violent communication.
One powerful tool is using “information language,” not “emotion language.” Reframe: “I’m frustrated…” to “I’m noticing delays that could affect the timeline.” This shifts the conversation from emotional reaction to problem-solving. And finally, let’s reframe the narrative: root out the bias of associating emotions with women alone. Everyone is responsible for self-regulation, and everyone must be held to that same standard.
The Real Work Is Both Personal and Structural
Managing emotions isn’t just an individual skill; it’s also about the environment people work in. A healthy workplace isn’t only about emotional control; it’s about removing the conditions that cause emotional strain. That includes:
Removing Workplace Harassment
Emotional or verbal abuse is harassment — it is not an “emotion.” It destabilizes emotional safety for both women and men. A workplace cannot seek to promote emotional regulation among its people while tolerating behaviour that violates their dignity.
Promoting Psychological Safety
People should feel safe to speak up, ask questions, admit mistakes, suggest ideas, and respectfully challenge decisions. Without psychological safety, emotional regulation becomes suppression, not mastery.
Encouraging Boundaries
Your emotional life is not for public consumption. Professionalism is care plus control. Boundaries protect not only your well-being but also your relationships at work.
Modeling Calm Leadership
When leaders model regulation: steady tone, clear communication, thoughtful responses; the entire workplace rises to that standard.
Holding Everyone to the Same Conduct Standards
No more “he’s just passionate” vs “she’s emotional.” A standard is a standard. Full stop. Consistency eliminates bias and creates a culture where fairness is visible and expected.
The Key Takeaway
This space where I am writing to you is a safe space — this article is not about speaking from a high horse. It’s about interpersonal accountability. We are having a real conversation about how to do better as leaders, and trust me, I have takeaways too.
Recently, I encountered some issues during a work trip and became extremely stressed. In that moment, I missed an important detail, and I could feel my tone rising. The instant I noticed it, I paused and said, “I’m really stressed.”
A colleague looked at me and gently replied, “Don’t worry, let me handle it.” That is the human experience. We are all prone to feeling emotions, including frustration, pressure, and overwhelm, because we are human beings before we are professionals. But here’s the key: unprocessed, raw emotions do not promote safety. They spill over, they destabilize the environment, and they make it harder for people to work with us, trust us, or feel respected.
