I’d like you to think of the last time you were emotionally invested in a man. It could have been a promising prospect you met at a function, it could have been your boyfriend of five months, it could have been your fiancé.
The common denominator is that this man, who took your breath away and gave you hope, ultimately left you. I know how it feels. Most people do. You trusted him, only to find out that he had eyes for someone else, that he had major issues with you, or that he wasn’t ready to commit to you.
This can be devastating. It can make you distrustful. It can make you lose faith. It can stop you from dating entirely. But the hardest part is how, far too often, you never quite get over him. Because you weren’t the one who ended things, your feelings remained as strong after you were dumped as they were before you were dumped. It makes perfect sense. He might have broken up with you, but that doesn’t mean you love him any less.
This exact scenario happened recently with my client, Rachel (not her real name), who was still recovering from a short relationship with a man 3 months before. They had gotten physical after a couple of dates and gave an exclusive relationship a shot.
Three months later, he broke things off. Said he wasn’t feeling what he thought he should be feeling. Said it wasn’t her fault. Said he wanted to remain friends.
So Rachel has remained friends with her ex – and has remained in love with him as well. Needless to say, it’s extremely hard for her to move on. Every new man gets unfavorably compared to the ex. It’s not that she’s wrong; Rachel can’t help herself.
She felt that dizzy, passionate, “in love” feeling, and even though the ex is gone, the feeling still lingers. But should it? Hell, no! Rachel’s wondering about how to get him back. She’s hoping that their friendship turns back into a relationship.
She’s “dating” but not really giving herself to the process. In other words, she is pining for the return of a man who does not love her unconditionally. Talk about a bad plan. Then again, you’ve probably done the same thing. If you’re still holding onto a man from your past, my advice is from the lyrics of Frozen: “Let it go. Let him gooooo”.
Yeah, I got kids and I watch cartoons… hehehehe …But let me ask you: don’t you think your future husband should love you unconditionally? Wouldn’t you figure that this should be a pre-condition for any man who’s going to spend his life with you? I sure do.
In fact, here are the two most important qualities you need in a man:
1) Most important quality: Loves you unconditionally. Will stick by you for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part.
2) Second most important quality: Everything else – height, weight, age, income, education, etc. Yet all I hear about, over and over, is the amazing, tall, cute, sexy, charismatic, funny, successful guy who breaks your heart when he doesn’t want to commit to you. Well, guess what? That guy SUCKS! Your husband DOESN’T leave you. Your boyfriend’s willingness to leave you IS his fundamental flaw. And you’re holding onto an idealized image of him – hoping he comes back. Why? So when you get him back, he STILL doesn’t love you unconditionally?
Face it; your ex isn’t as great as you think he is. It’s not that he’s not a great catch on paper. But in practice, he’s a terrible life partner for you for one reason. He was willing to let you go. Now it’s time for you to let him go.
Same thing with any man who broke your heart in the past. Let him go. Only then can you open up to true love – the kind that endures forever.
STEVE HARRIS
