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Fixing your marriage already sounds like work, especially when your focus begins with fixing your spouse. As long as your primary goal in your marriage is to change and fix your spouse, you will continually feel frustrated, judgmental and unhappy.
There are other ways to approach the changes you want to see, and it requires that you pay attention to what is happening and be willing to do some introspection and a selfless and patient work in the process.
Instead of forcing things to happen, try these methods:
· Identify the key problems in your marriage – This can be done by listing out the patterns in your marriage. What do you fight about? What are you dissatisfied about?
· Identify the cause of these patterns you have noticed – These issues could have been caused by ignored red flags, deceit from your spouse, unresolved childhood & emotional trauma, faulty foundation, toxic belief system, wrong interferences, poor upbringing, spiritual warfare or ignorance. So, illumination will come via enquiry, communication and praying for revelation. Do all.
· Engage your spouse by understanding where they are now – This calls for wisdom. Most times, your spouse may not admit their wrongs, they may even blame you. So, approaching them with nagging and emotional tactics may worsen the issues. This is where you need a professional counselor and the wisdom of God to highlight how to confront these issues for a better outcome. Every marriage is unique so your circumstances may require rare but wise approach.
· Don’t ever ignore your mental health and emotional state – If you intend not to lose yourself, don’t define yourself by the challenges in your marriage. Do not also allow your spouse define you, exposing yourself to knowledge, resources, support system, and a deeper walk with God can help you handle this phase. Note that some issues require immediate external intervention while some issue require patience, understanding, tolerance and a healed perspective.
When it feels like every option is failing and you are not sure of what to do, if you are a believer, try this:
· Trust God and Hear His will: It is alarming how people walk out of their marriage without knowing God’s counsel in the moment, some do but cannot handle it. You cannot just decide to walk away because you hate stress and you’re afraid of the unknown. Some issues are beyond the surface level and it’s important to walk with God for the changes you want to see or the courage to leave when that is needed. Sometimes, you prefer to have so much power and control and end up being manipulative in your approach. Trust God’s restorative work and counsel. Sit with Him, Hear from Him, Learn from Him and Be changed by Him. Whatsoever he tells you to do, do it. If he is the creator of marriages then why not understand things from his perspective?
I’ve worked with numerous couples who were at the verge of separation because of a likely issue that should cause it but guess what? Their marriages are restored and better today. And I’ve also helped some people receive the grace to exit an abusive situation. It is a walk and a process that requires enlightenment and may not be the wisdom of this world.
Marriages can get better if we surrender to God’s design and curriculum.
If you feel that you’re currently overwhelmed or confused about how to handle your marital situation, I urge you to have a counseling session with me that can help you interpret your current situation and how to navigate and you can begin here: www.nikefolagbade.com/coachingpackage
