Ben
When Mike the Trainer stepped into the gym that evening a loud acclamation went up. Everyone started speaking at the same time.
My friend, where have you been? . . .
For two weeks the place has been like a graveyard . . .
You know you’re the life of this place . . .
I mean, don’t get us wrong, said the Old One, there are other trainers . . . an excellent bunch . . . we have nothing but praise for all of you. He paused and looked around. But Mike, you’re special.
I glanced at the faces of the other three trainers “just in time to catch their frowns slowly melting into a weak smile.
I went to China, said Mike.
No one missed a step the entire time. The cyclists continued cycling, the weight lifters continued lifting, and the treadmillers continued treading their mills, some walking, some running, while the broad conveyor belt carried them like a horse that never tires and never complains.
How’s China, my friend?
The people are straight, he replied.
You mean there are no crooks? asked a cyclist.
Of course there are crooks. Every country has its 419. But I didn’t go there to see the crooks.
Then what do you mean China is straight?
I mean the people are lean, thin, no sags, no paunches, no beer bellies . . . .
Belle must go! echoed the entire assembly as if on command.
This motley group”eight women and six men today”share one thing in common: overweight. Used to be called evidence of good living “now transformed to some ugly epithets: chop-chop; long-throat; sloppy eating habits; culinary illiteracy; nutritional indiscipline. Weight is easy to gain but very hard to lose is the gym’s particular motto prominently displayed at the gate, at the building’s main door, and over the gym entrance.
Weight is a growing problem in Naija, said one member.
And we shall defeat it, said another.
United we stand! declared a third. This is a semi-secret society bonded against excess flesh.
A lady called the group back to the present.
But Mike, she said, you didn’t have to travel to China to discover that the people are straight. Walk down the Marina on a full moon and you’ll see enough Chinese to convince you.
Or read a magazine, browse the internet, or visit the Chinese Embassy for Gods sake.
Well, I had to go to China to see things for myself, said Mike.
So, a visit has convinced you. Now what?
Well, it means I can’t do business with China.
Ah, but China will do business with you, like it or not. They discovered free enterprise capitalism only 20 years ago and they are determined to catch the Americans who started 120 years ago.
Well, I thought I could franchise our exercise gym and weight-loss formula in China. After all they have 1.4 billion people.
The house went up in laughter as a house is consumed by flames.
Weight-loss gym for China? said another lady. Imagine that!
My goodness, said another, that’s like trying to export coal to Enugu.
The people eat nothing but rice, said another. Why wouldn’t they be straight?
We eat rice too, don’t we?
Ah, but not like China. I mean, for 5,000 years China people ate only three things: rice, green vegetables consisting mainly of bamboo shoots and maize buds, and tiny strips of beef, pork or fish. That’s all.
Good heavens! You mean no eba? . . .
No akpu? . . .
No pounded yam? . . .
No ogogoro or palmie, probably? Man fit die for China-o!
Belle must go! went the chorus.
No wonder the people are so tiny. The tallest of them must be around 5 feet 2 inches. At any rate their late Supreme Leader Deng Xiaoping, the man who turned the country inside out after Mao Tse-Tung died, was under 5 feet.
Maybe we can trans-ship some of our midgets to them. Here in Naija a short man has no chance ever to be somebody. All he reaps is laughter and scorn.
This last contribution, with a bitter edge to it, came from a very short member. At least we all had the good manners not to laugh”all straight face and no snickering, fake coughing or throat clearing.
Actually, said Mike, the One Who Just Returned, China seems to have enough midgets of their own. I saw quite a few. But I also saw some very tall people.
Yeah, come to think of it, said a voice from the treadmills, wasn’t it just last week that the Guinness Book of Records announced a new Tallest Man on Earth, 8 feet 5 inches, and he is Chinese?
And get this: the Shortest Man on Earth, 2 feet 5 inches, is also Chinese!
Belle must go! went the chorus . . . .
