HOW TO PROVIDE THE RIGHT KIND OF SUPPORT. Strong time-off policies, sensitive managers and open conversations can all make a big difference for employees in times of mourning. Yet those are rare in the workplace. In researching this article, we spoke with managers, grief experts, executive coaches and academics, and examined seminal studies, books and articles on death and mourning. On the whole, we found, managers come to work prepared to celebrate births and birthdays, and even to handle illnesses, but when it comes to death, they fall silent and avert their gaze.
Companies need a better approach to grief. There is value in finding efficient and humane ways to help workers return to productivity, but managers’ obligations run deeper. Over the past few decades, as traditional support systems such as the extended family, religious communities and government institutions have lost influence, the workplace has emerged as a primary domain where people seek to fulfill their spiritual and social (as well as economic) needs.
When grief is disenfranchised, the natural withdrawal that accompanies mourning is more intense and lasting, eroding performance in the short term and diminishing commitment and loyalty to the organization in the long term.
HOW MANAGERS CAN HELP GRIEVING WORKERS
Half a century ago, John Bowlby’s groundbreaking work on grief identified three phases of mourning: one marked by defiance and anger; one by pain, despair and disorganization; and one by slow reorganization and reinvestment in life. Bowlby cautioned against assuming that these phases unfold in a progression. Although popular interpretations of David Kessler and Elisabeth Kübler-ross’s five stages of grief paint the process as a steady march forward, researchers have confirmed Bowlby’s assertion that grief ebbs and flows. Mourning workers will experience both progressions and regressions after a loss. That’s why managers should understand the three phases and the most helpful response to each.
THE VOID: BE PRESENT. In the immediate aftermath of the death of a loved one, or at any point in which grief flares up acutely, acknowledging the loss without making demands is the best a manager can do. Let the griever take the lead. It is important at this stage to ignore the impulse to “fix” that drives most managerial actions. Death is unfixable. Instead, managers should be present and support employees by managing the boundary between the worker and the workplace. Close colleagues typically will reach out to grieving co-workers, but it is especially important that a manager does. Managers represent the organization, and their demonstration of support is a signal that the workplace cares.
There is no formula or agreedupon recommendation for when it’s best to return to work. Federal law does not require companies to provide time off, but according to the Society for Human Resource Management, nearly 90% of organizations in the United States offered paid bereavement leave in 2018. In 2016, employees received, on average, four days for a spouse or a child, three for another close family member and one to two for a more distant member. Although this may give employees time to deal with the practical demands of a death, it is unlikely to be enough for them to process their loss.
Individuals’ responses differ with the kind of loss they have experienced — how close they were to the person and the nature of the death itself. Unexpected deaths, violent deaths and suicides are likely to be more traumatizing. All these factors should be taken into account when agreeing on time off, especially in organizations without a formal policy. And when the employee is ready to return to work, managers play an important role in preparing co-workers, through communication about the returning employee’s wishes and perhaps an expert-facilitated workshop on how to deal with grief.
THE ABSENCE: BE PATIENT. Most workers resume work after a few days or weeks. But grief typically remains intense for months, and it can flare up years later. So even when the return to work has been handled sensitively, managers can’t assume that everything will go back to business as usual. The person in mourning will continue to be in the grip of intense confusion, exhaustion and pain. Furthermore, the months that follow the initial shock of loss are often a time of ambivalence. We go back and forth between feeling pain and wanting to move on.
It is important for managers to realize that grief destabilizes focus, consistency and drive — the very things we describe as “talent” at work. Inconsistency is normal for some time after a loss, as is a lack of appetite for challenges and change. Neither is a sign that an employee has lost talent or interest in work. Recognizing and managing these behaviors can avert a good deal of misunderstanding and conflict.
Gian pie rope trig li er ii san associate professor of organizational behavior at in se ad. a medical doctor and psychiatrist by training, G ian pier ore searches and practices leadership development. he directs the inse Ad management Acceleration programme, as well as leadership workshops for global organizations. sally mai tl is is a professor of organizational behavior and leadership at the university of oxf or d’ saïd business school, where she directs the high performance Leadership program. she is also a practicing psycho therapist and an executive coach.
