What significance do you attach to this biblical verse? The meaning I take from this verse of the scriptures is that it’s the so-called little things, little omissions, little errors, little reversals in civility that rob one of character, that lead to the decline and sad collapse of a society and not necessarily the big and obvious infractions. One such wily fox that scurries ever so destructively around our society, subtly but mercilessly decimating its very fabric, is the pervasive lack of Manners. The gradual erosion of common courtesies has made its own unwanted contribution to the malaise we all face in our nation today.
What is the definition of Manners? Amongst countless definitions there’s one that simply says Manners are ways of showing kindness, respect and consideration towards others. Someone who is ill-mannered spares little or no thought for the feelings of others. By nature such a person tends to be very self-centered.
“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners”
– Emily Post
The Nigerian society is doing very poorly and cannot by any stretch of the imagination be rated a success as it stands right now. Like one of my egbons, some may go as far as calling it a broken nation. For a society to succeed, there must exist some values and moral codes of behaviour that the generality of the populace believe in enough to live by. Unfortunately, we have over time relegated those codes to the back seat, while a more aggressive, more primitive code of survival of the strongest or toughest or boldest or most cunning, (which to be sincere is actually instinctive to human nature but had hitherto been tamed by the advent of civility) has now all but taken over. Though this may sound a little melodramatic, I think it’s pertinent to ask if we’re gradually returning to the Stone Age?
Our hope is that the younger generation, through the right teachings, guidance and deliberate enlightenment programs will be convinced to take up the mantle of restoring the dignity that once personified our dear nation. One employable method I would suggest in an effort to accomplish this would be to return us to a time of politeness, good manners, civility, virtue and respect for our fellow men. Enough of running roughshod over people’s sensibilities by failing to offer the most basic courtesies in everyday interactions and this brings me to those simple but ageless words, Please, Thank You and Sorry. The importance of saying these words cannot be overemphasized. To say your Please and Thank You’s requires a degree of humility which can never go amiss and it also nurtures a heart of gratitude in the person who develops the habit of saying it. You inadvertently acknowledge that someone has done you a good turn which they may not have been obliged to do. It serves to redirect your focus from self to another. Last but not least, it begets respect for others and their interests.
“No duty is more urgent than that of returning
Thanks”
– James Allen.
When thanksgiving becomes an integral part of one’s life, one’s attitude towards life will certainly change. Such a person is bound to become more positive, more gracious, more loving and more humble. He or she will not only appreciate God the more but will also appreciate others. Mundane but kind gestures that others extend to you like keeping the door open for you to also pass through or giving you the right of way on the road would not go unnoticed but would be acknowledged and subsequently appreciated(Manners, Neighbourly love and gratitude). Isn’t it just so annoying when you kindly give someone the right of way on the road and the beneficiary is just too conceited to offer the slightest word or gesture of appreciation? That just says it all. Too many of us have this terrible misconception that the whole world revolves around us.
Climbing off your high horse to apologise when you’re so clearly in the wrong is a clear demonstration of good manners just as it reveals an apparent respect for the feelings of others. Time without number, I would arrive back home only to find that a thoughtless visitor of one of our neighbours has parked in front of my gate, preventing me from entering my compound and totally disregarding the very bold “No Parking” sign. There was a time it took us about fifteen minutes to locate the culprit because the gate man had no idea which compound he entered. He eventually sauntered out and entered his vehicle without offering a single word of apology. Whatever inconvenience I may have suffered from being kept waiting, for him it was neither here nor there. Sounds familiar? I’m very sure it does. Yes, the majority of us may not like this either but I don’t want us to stop at just being averse to it. My mission is to convince you that it’s a problem we need to do something about as a people even if it’s just for the sake of our children. They say it may prove difficult to bend a crayfish without breaking it and so the jury is still out on whether it’s a little late to significantly change the mindset of our generation who are already so stuck in their ways but there is still plenty of hope for our children’s generation. We can begin to instill these virtues in them henceforth. If we can do this, the benefits to society will be so glaring by the time they come of age.
“Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it ”
– Proverbs 22:6
Punctuality is a virtue often overlooked as a hallmark of good Manners. An individual who is punctual to meet with me when I set an appointment respects the irrefutable fact that my time is my time. It is universally accepted that the one thing that can never be regained once lost is time, so what gives anyone the right to deny me of it or to deny you of it? Numerous crucial appointments and potentially life changing opportunities are lost on a daily basis by those who have been kept waiting by others. The knock on effect of tardiness is endless but unfortunately it has become so ingrained in our culture that we have even gone on to rationalise it by giving it a name, African Timing. All are guilty of it; government officials(serial late comers), the young, school authorities at school events, those about to wed on their wedding day and just about everybody. The few exceptions may be the much older generation and orthodox churches who generally tend to have a more disciplined approach to life. My late father being one that readily comes to mind.
It really shouldn’t come to us as a surprise that as these basic courtesies gradually disappear in our society, so have those values that we hitherto held so dearly; Manners, Integrity, Neighbourly love, Discipline, and the common good notion of Success.
Quote: I’m just saying we can all work on our Manners. We can say Please and Thank you. We can be Punctual. We can just be nicer to one another. It’s something we have in our power to do. It reminds me of that Margaret Mead quote, ” Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.”
Changing the nation…one mind at a time
Dapo Akande
