CONNECTING
Apologies are essential for repairing relationships at work. After you’ve made a mistake, offering a sincere apology shows that you value the relationship and the other person’s point of view.
But apologizing isn’t easy, and many people do it only part way, insincerely or not at all. In doing so, they miss out on key opportunities for relationship repair — and for personal growth. Here are four common kinds of ineffective apologies.
1. THE EMPTY APOLOGY: “I’m sorry. I said I’m sorry.” The empty apology is all form and no substance. It’s what you say to someone when you know you need to apologize but are so annoyed or frustrated that you can’t muster even a modicum of real feeling. So you go through the motions, saying the words but not meaning them.
2. THE EXCESSIVE APOLOGY: “I’m so sorry! I feel so bad. I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do? I feel so bad about this.” In theory, apologizing is meant to rectify a wrong and rebuild a damaged relationship. But with excessive apologies, you do no such thing. This tactic, instead, has the perverse effect of drawing attention to your own feelings, rather than to what you’ve done to the other person.
3. THE INCOMPLETE APOLOGY: “I’m sorry that this happened.” Those who study apologizing for a living suggest that an effective apology has three key components: taking responsibility for your role in a situation or event, and expressing regret; asking forgiveness; and promising it won’t happen again. The incomplete apology touches on a few of these elements but not all.
4. THE DENIAL: “This simply wasn’t my fault.” Sometimes your ego gets the best of you and you don’t apologize at all. Perhaps you’re so frustrated or angry that instead of apologizing, you defend, deny or self-protect. But as much as it might feel like the right thing to do in the moment, denial does little to repair a fractured relationship and, if anything, likely exacerbates it.
In order to apologize effectively, you need to develop the capacity to control your emotions and stay focused on the other person, even when you might be seething inside or unsettled with guilt. Step outside your own experience and consider the other person’s perspective.
If you’re truly apologetic about what you did, you’ll want to commit to improvement, even if this falls outside your comfort zone. A real apology can not only repair a relationship but also serve as a powerful catalyst for your own personal growth.
A lot of people never really say they’re sorry — but you can. Pay attention to the pitfalls, put aside your ego and keep your eye on the ultimate prize: building and sustaining a positive relationship.
