I grew up in an abusive home. For many years, I watched as my father used my mom as his punching bag. Mom was tired of constantly being humiliated by him but she didn’t have the guts to leave. She was worried about what people would say. She didn’t want to be labeled as one who’s marriage failed. She was a leader in her church so she felt that “necessity was laid” on her to lead an examplary life. She was a role model to the women so she didn’t want them thinking she wasn’t capable of keeping her home. I watched my mom mask her bruises with makeup and fake smiles.
After dad’s death, you’d think Mom was finally free but alas! she was trapped in the psychological and emotional effects of the abuse. Even counseling couldn’t help her.
I always told myself that I’d never allow any man have that kind of power over me. So when I became older and started having relationships, I always looked for signs or abusive tendencies in men, I was careful. I didn’t want to end up like my mother.
Then I met King. He was the love of my life. We had our good times but once we were married, his desire to control everything became more obvious. He never actually hit me but his behaviour left me constantly on edge. He would push me, throw things at me, call me names, humiliate me in front of family, friends and our kids. These episodes would often be followed by him apologising, then harassing me to make up by having sex with him. He constantly demanded that I have sex to prove I loved him.
King was gradually turning me into the woman that I always said I would never be. Then one day, after one horrible incident, where he pushed me up against the wall and threatened to kill me, I decided I had had enough. I picked the kids up after school and we drove to my sister’s place, then I rang him and I told him that I was never coming back. He exploded.
It was a stressful time trying to get through the divorce, however, in the past year things have been a lot better. I’ve found a new house and job. I am slowly rebuilding my life and raising my kids. My mother still believes that it was wrong for me to leave my husband. Inspite of all she went through, she’s still a “people pleaser”. She puts what people will say above what she’s going through. Mom believes I should have stayed in the marriage while praying for my husband to change. (I wonder why her prayers didn’t change dad until he died).
Now here’s my advice to people living in similar situations, I know how difficult it can be to leave. I know it’s difficult to get the energy to plan a way to get out. But you can do it. Just take the first step: get help.
If you’re presently in any form of abusive relationship, once a guy behaves in an abusive way a few times, it’s not just a mistake brought on by stress. Take that step and move on before it’s too late. Such a decision can be hard but taking a positive step to free yourself is certainly worth it. You will need time to heal the hurt, but over time you will feel like yourself again. Always remember that if you can’t stand the heat… you can leave the kitchen. Don’t die there. Don’t waste another minute of your life trying to change an abuser.
