Sometimes, we underestimate our little ones and try to shield them from the realities of the world so much that when they grow older they begin to lose themselves. These days, it is particularly challenging for children due to the influence of some external factors that did not exist in the recent past.
These include social media and the infiltration of some aspects of western culture that do not necessarily align with our values. As a result, peer pressure has taken on a whole new dimension when it comes to the things that influence our children’s identity. It is one thing for them to discover and embrace what they are passionate about and it is another for that thing to be socially acceptable amongst their peers and in line with what is trending on various media platforms.
How do we create this enabling environment for our children, especially given these new external influences? How do we teach them to exploit their experiences to ensure that they are happy and eventually find a way forward which fulfils their identity, especially if they are not so privileged as to discover it early?
Listen: Basically, we need to have a very keen and observing eye that pays attention to what our children say and do. Children have various ways of communicating but the challenge is that we might not understand what they say or the messages their body language passes across. In order to crack these messages, we need to level with them and communicate effectively so that they understand that they have our full support in whatever they do (as long as it is not completely outrageous).
Accept: A popular quote by Albert Einstein states: “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid”. This pretty much summarises our need to accept our children for who they are, thereby breeding their identity and eliminating any feeling of loss or insecurity that stems from inability to perform in areas where others might excel.
Build Passion: If we try to build on our children’s passion and interests first, discovering their identity might follow. It is up to us to show interest in the activities they are involved in. This would encourage them to expand their horizons and remove the fear of trying out new things. If they do not have this support, they might feel discouraged from moving out of their comfort zones.
Push (but be subtle): As much as we build some of the perceived intrinsic values, sometimes we need to recognise that some children need to be pushed out of their comfort zones in order to discover their identity. This adds to their exposure and brings forward the possibility of uncovering hidden talents.
Monitor the Media: It would be easy to say that we should keep our children away from media influences. But for some children, the more you keep them away from something, the more desirable that very thing becomes to them, and then abuse might set in. Additionally, children who were born within the last 15 years are digital natives so media is part of their lifestyle and culture.
We just have to recognise and accept that digital and social media have a great influence on their identity. We have to be extremely careful because social media is an area that is very difficult to regulate; anyone can put anything out there. But it is up to us parents, teachers and guardians to ensure that children recognise both positive and negative aspects of social media and inform them of any consequences.
Encourage Quiet Time: In today’s loud and fast-paced world, finding some quiet time is rather challenging. However, it is imperative that we create some time for our children to listen to their lives i.e. think about themselves, who they are, what they want and why they want what they want. We could even go ahead and ask them to reflect on times when they felt they have made a difference, made someone feel better; felt appreciated for doing something, or helped someone out. This act of reflection would help them build that sense of character and breed a stronger identity.
Nobody achieves their purpose or realises their identity on their own. We have to ensure that we provide the support our children require whilst also ensuring the need to understand that sometimes it might be a painful experience that will lead them closer to finding their identity. Nevertheless, it is imperative that we ensure that our children feel like their lives matter or will matter eventually through the life-long journey of self-discovery.
Oyin Egbeyemi
Oyin Egbeyemi is an Executive Administrator at Tender Loving School, Ikoyi, Lagos. info@tlslagos.com.
