It starts like a joke really. He lounges at her, a few slaps there, a threat, a punch and then pummelling. She thinks it’s a joke at first, then the surprise, then the look, the rage, the shouting, then the quiet. She, in a heap on the floor bleeding, tussled hair, a broken finger, a broken soul. He, yelling, car keys in hand, pacing, the monster of violence surging through his veins, then the final kick of the heap on the floor, the mother of his children whom he has turned into a thing, his dog, his possession, his punching bag and in a few years’ time, his nemesis. The first day a man hits his wife, she is so shocked she is unable to mention it to anyone. The sheer shame of it, the stigma, then the question; what did you do?
I find that question really annoying. What did she do? It really should be why did he hit you? For me, it does not matter what a woman has done or did, no matter how profound (and this is not validating wrong-doing on any side of the divide). No man worth the briefs on his butt should ever raise his hand against a woman. Less physically endowed, the woman can never win against the man. It’s a domination strategy used by sick men to enforce their authority and rights over a woman considered mouthy, confident or even more economically positioned. In some cases, the men describe the woman as disrespectful and more often than not in order to validate their dastardly action, they play the infidelity card. I have often said for a man to test out his physical strength, he needs to go quickly to a motor park where many touts abound and challenge any one of them to a duel. To pick a woman, smaller than you, less physically endowed is cowardly. Again, it does not matter what she has done.
I am an expert on domestic violence having spent the last eight years being self taught. I have often wondered how a man considered decent does not have self restraint and goes about hitting his wife. For men who abuse their wives physically and emotionally, it often ends very badly. Once he starts, it’s extremely difficult for him to stop. He develops an appetite for physical domination, and before long he hits her so hard, suffocates her and knocks her head on a wall past caring. Then one day unexpectedly, he kills his wife.
Let us imagine for a minute that as women are sometimes wont to do, your wife carries on about everything including the fact that you are lazy and she is the one bringing in the bacon. Let us imagine even further that you suspect that Alhaji Kokoyam may be stealing looks at your wife and she seems giddy and chatty when he greets her. Let us imagine for a minute that in your monthly quarrels (for some this is the norm instead of the exception) she calls you good for nothing. Let us imagine for a moment that she bats her eyes at you because you cannot peel your eyes away from the neighbour’s daughter. Let us imagine for a second that your mom tells your wife that she is a stupid oaf and a useless woman not deserving of her son in front of the children, and your wife says “Mama, please stay out of our business”
What if she grabs your shirt because again you are threatening to go out and disappear as usual for two days? What if she tells your poke nosing sister off after being patient for six months and reporting her to you whereas you did nothing and pretended it was okay? What if your food was lukewarm instead of burning hot as you often prefer? What if, she was a little late coming back from work? What if she was late to pick the kids from school? (This has happened to me in the past and I don’t love my kid’s any less). What if there was a slim chance that she committed adultery? (I am nor excusing this or validating it). None of these should earn the wife a beating or as it is trending now, cost her life.
In the end, the man is put to death, goes to jail or loses his mind. Spiritually a murder charge hangs over the man’s head till eternity. To complicate matters the children are left without both parents and one or all of them grows up resentful, angry, social misfits and more violent than their fathers in any relationship. This is because the father, in order to instil fear in his wife, beats her in front of their children. They cannot protect their mother during the fights and they relieve their childhood frustration by taking it out on anyone they are in a relationship with twenty years down the line. Domestic violence builds a cycle from the first slap of your wife, to your son’s angry behaviour in school. Soon he is been suspended for getting into fights. How about your daughters? First she withdraws into her shell to keep her distance from her violent father. Then she gets into abusive relationships. Her boyfriends are violent men, who torture her. That’s the only way she knows. Other daughters become rebellious and wayward.
Please note that women who you heard chopped off their spouses manhood, killed him in his sleep, hit him with a bottle etcetera may have borne years of domestic violence and one day just snaps (this is not encouraged, always better to resolve it or leave). In many cases the woman dies from the beating or the man may find himself in danger with a resentful wife. How about you go your separate ways? Why should you go from Tony Michael to Tony the murderer Michael? Why should you bring your wife to grievous bodily harm? She is not your slave. She was brought up by parents who love her very much warts and all. Would you allow your daughter to suffer what you inflict on your wife?
Who says men are the only ones who have a right to be angry in marriage? Women suffer in silence through many men’s indiscretion, insanity, irritating habits, and infidelity. Why should a woman die because she called you lazy or accused you of adultery? Men with quick hands should seek psychiatric help. It is abnormal. How can I love you again, how can I ever love you when you tried to kill me?
Eugenia Abu
