Recently, I went to speak to the graduating set of a secondary school in Abuja. This is part of my ‘giving back to society’ and my passion for the young. Mentoring them, keeping their company, and listening to their issues give me enormous joy, even if sometimes they cause me pain.
I have travelled far and wide speaking to teenagers and young people and I have concluded that in spite of our impatience with them, today’s young people need a lot of help especially as they are in one of the most difficult times. Apart from young Nigerians who grew up during the civil war, the young people of this generation are encountering more horrible times as they experience insurgency, massive corruption and too many deaths. Beyond these, we now have issues of perversion, sexual harassment, rape and incest like never before.
So back to the school I visited; an all girl’s school. After talking about general things we went on to talk about life after boarding school, how fierce the world out there is and how freedom comes with responsibility. Tomorrow they leave the safe and controlled environment of a highly disciplined school where their administrators who are catholic Nuns have kept a keen eye on them, correcting them and ensuring that they are well catered for. Tomorrow they face the world alone, by themselves without the guide that they have always known. There will be no bell to tell them to go to school and no routine to fall into. For the first time, they will exercise their free will, and if they so wish fail to go to school for a whole year. This is when the test for their ability to focus comes in. Will they fall under peer group pressure or will they be their own persons? Will they spend their entire university years being party animals at the risk of their academics? These were some of the things that I and the lovely final year students of Louisville Girls secondary school Gwagwalada discussed.
We had a field day talking about how they will miss school, relationships, life, books and self- esteem. At the end of the talk, I discerned that parents need to pay more attention to their children. You need to be their friends and find out what irks them, what makes them happy and what makes them sad. We need to talk to them about what type of company they are keeping and who their friends are. We need to know what their favourite colours are and what their favourite clothes are. We need to begin to know our children better and become their friends. We need to shout less, to assume less and to listen more. Let’s surprise them and take them to lunch. Let’s pay for that phone we swore we will never buy for them. Let’s be with them a little more, yet without overwhelming them. Let’s not embarrass them in front of their friends or younger siblings. Let’s not send them for five things at the same time in one breath and when they forget we get angry and begin to holler.
One thing I learnt from our conversation is that young people are crazy. Yes, but they need to be loved, and if they don’t get it from you, they will get it elsewhere and it might be the drug dealer down the road who looks helpless, is smooth talking, but is a green snake. You need to joke with your teenagers and empathize with them. Let us understand that they are also very vulnerable and more sensible than we think even when they don’t look it.
Don’t compare your child with someone else’s child. Children hate this. Don’t describe them as frivolous when they are not. Don’t tell them things like: You want it because all your friends want it abi? Not necessarily. Sometimes they want it just because they like it. Don’t start a tantrum. Just tell them nicely you can’t afford it now but you will try. If you ever can, do try even if it sounds a little offbeat.
Teenage years come with mood swings and emotional challenges. Even they sometimes do not understand why their body is changing so fast and need help emotionally and otherwise.
Final word: Be your children’s friends even if they resist it. Be gentle, don’t force it. Lesson learnt from this event: That young boys from thirteen think it’s a cool thing to do drugs. Shock! But these young girls had me educated on this, as they were worried about their brothers. How sweet. Please be friends with your children and keep your eyes open. Don’t drive them into the hands of the drug dealer.
Eugenia Abu
