All year, all lifelong, we tend to parent our children from when they have spittle all over your face, to their first toilet training, when you walk them to their first class, to their first rebellion and until they settle in their homes. No one gives you a manual. You are just your kid’s first guinea pig as parents and they become your guinea pigs on how to bring up children. One always hopes that all one does for them is in their own interest and will always be considered good enough, but it’s not always the case.
Parenting is a hard work, let no one deceive you. If you don’t want hard work, don’t even go there. The other day we watched a woman sitting behind an Okada. She had a huge mould of vegetable between her and the okada rider on her laps, as she rode through dangerous roads, clutching hard to the vegetables, her face pained. It was my spouse who spoke first. ‘’Look at this woman”, he said, ‘’the trouble she is going through just to support her family. Tomorrow her children may tell her they are now adults and disrespect her despite her sacrifice.”
I sighed! There are too many of those kinds of issues all over the world. Children arguing unnecessarily, some even hit their parents. I have not only heard, I have seen. The good books are clear about how to treat one’s parents. The Bible tells us; ‘’Honour your father and your mother so that your days will be long”. The Qur’an is even more specific in its demands of the Muslim faithful on how to treat each parent. Certainly there are many other religions whose tenets proclaim respect and honour for parents.
It is sad to see how disrespected parents are worldwide, how misunderstood they are in trying to get their children to do the right thing. In trying to give advice, in trying to be of help, some children, over 30s, over 40s over 50s become rude and upbraid their parents in public. True that some parents are meddlesome and may not understand that they are crossing the line when they show concern or are over protective which, I agree may be irritating in some instances, but one must remember that there are many ways to approach a parent or draw attention to issues that you do not necessarily agree with, without being rude.
Before my mum passed, she lived with me for a bit and she was ailing. My mantra at the time was, if it will not kill me, I will accede to her request, if it’s within my powers; and I became more loving in words and body language. We do not always have to wait until they are aging before we show much love to our parents. They sacrifice a lot for their children all the time.
The other day a friend described some children as very selfish. She said even if you give your life to them, your entire savings, they think you owe them forever; even if they are old enough, earning enough, strong enough. They may be working in a bank, she said, earning more than you can ever earn but they still call you to cover some expenses for them. They forget that you have done this for them all their lives and it’s time for them to now take care of you.
No parent should take it for granted that their children would necessarily care for them as they age. The best advice is always to save up for your retirement and expect nothing. If a child turns around to support you as you get more tired and less energetic, then that’s a bonus.
All children are not the same. You must never think so. They are as different as the weather and blanket responses must never be applied. If one has done something that offends, never bunch them all together for scolding. Words hurt children, no matter how insignificant, they never forget. Be careful what you say and how you say it because they remember things you said from as young as four. It may be as simple as “see your big head.” Kids are different than we were when we were growing up. We feel that its just words to guide them. Today’s children hold things in their heart and begrudge you for life. This is not to say you should not correct or scold as a parent. Also learn to listen to them.
Learn to pamper yourself as a parent. Love yourself when you can. Life is short. Stop fretting and fussing over an adult child. They can take care of themselves. Offer advice when it is solicited or when you think they might be falling down. Back off after your first try or when they begin to resist advice. Pray for them always. Your prayer over their heads always rescues them.
My mum used to repeat a lot of the stories she had told me before as she became increasingly forgetful. What I often do is to listen as if I have never heard it before. Shutting her up is not an option. If I am busy or running late, I excuse myself politely, gently, and tell her she can complete the story when I return. And when I do return with time on my hands, I sit by her and coarse her to complete the story, which is often a fourth repetition.
Finally remember that times have changed and the parent/children relationship is not quite the same. Kids are more expressive, more knowledgeable and more single minded. Managing the new kids on the block requires a bit of psychology, quick wit and a dollop of patience. Overall, enough of the cooing! They are no longer ten year olds now. Focus on pampering yourself but never stop loving them, or praying for them. But knowing a lot more than their parents should not make kids more impatient, dismissive or rude. Love your parents, honour them, it just piles up your blessings. That you are successful may just be the reward for the love and patience you exhibited. Ageing is not easy, be kind.
Eugenia Abu
