It is a brand-new year and it is official, our children are quite distracted by all manner of things, internet, TV and just a weird world if I may say so. So, as we enter the new year, let us pull up our socks and be committed to becoming better Parents. You know this idea of becoming better parents requires some self-introspection and a measure of discipline.
Permit me to give you some insights as to how parenting has become a core for a better society.
Actually, it has always been. Socialisation is how a society becomes. Our values, our thoughts and beliefs are often things we picked up from our parents. We have imbibed quite a bit from our parents, greeting, respect for elders, kindness, family, welcoming strangers, hard work and some measure of community. The rest we picked up on life’s journey, from schools to our peers and our role models. However, they are often pari- pasu with our core values emanating from our homes.
I am a teacher so I enjoy imparting and impacting. I am constantly between schools and churches where I give talks on Parenting and children management. In a very complicated world and a place of diminishing moral values, it is often heart-warming to share knowledge and give tips. As a mother myself, I wish to remind Parents especially young ones that we were once young parents too and sometimes you second guess your decisions and sometimes, we make mistakes. Remember Parents are human and it is really hard to be responsible for another human being. Being a parent is a tough call, a sacrifice for all times and we are not perfect. Here are some tips for becoming a better Parent as the year opens up like a beautiful flower in 2020.
Remember that examples are critical. A child learns faster when watching their parents. Don’t say smoking is bad and then sneak to the garden to have a smoke. Years down the road when you stop smoking, don’t be alarmed when your son or daughter becomes a chimney.
Never use vile words on your children. You are an idiot or are you a goat is bad even as a joke. Try and caution your children with less abuse and more love.
Pray together as a family. It gives the kids a foundation that there are things that can be attained through praying to a higher being. Psychologists have also told us that the spiritual side of things can help manage depression or even an anxiety ridden child. If they form a habit, they will pray when you are not there and the stress of life is getting to them.
Love your kids in the things they enjoy. Don’t condemn an arty child because you would rather, they were science oriented. Provide paper and a paint brush and let them begin to doodle early in life. As they get better, they are happier. Creatives need encouragement not just Scientists. Get an Art teacher. Develop your child’s inner talent. I have four daughters who are Artists. I should know. Also, Art can improve self-esteem in a child who is unsure.
Never ever compare children and make one feel less than the other. I always find a way to make each child feel special. So, if its cooking, I am going to take each child’s strength and celebrate them on it. In my home, we have The Egusi Queen, the Spaghetti MasterChef, the sauce expert and the jollof rice maestro, the fried rice aficionado and the Salad guru. You can spare some time to celebrate their cooking effort and make them feel extra special. It is good for confidence building.
If you have to travel somewhere special and you cannot take them all at once for one reason or the other, make sure you compensate. Children never forget and they keep things in their heart for a long time. So, your 26-year-old would remind you that you chose a sibling over her to go to Ghana when she was nine. Believe me they never forget!
Do things together. Homework. Building a toy aeroplane or car. Cleaning. Cooking. Children love to do things with their Parents. Never ever be too busy.
Listen. Try to hang around your kids when they return from boarding school and they are eating their favourite meal which they have missed. Tongues loosen from good food. Drop in and out of the kitchen or the study and listen to the chatter of your kids. You would get unsolicited information and answers to many questions you have been asking.
Remember that examples are critical. A child learns faster when watching their parents. Don’t say smoking is bad and then sneak to the garden to have a smoke
When a child says I want to talk to you. Please do not be too busy to listen. We often say not now and then forget and move on. Try and create the time. If the time is bad, note it and return to the matter. Don’t be too eager when you return to it otherwise, they shut down. Be casual. Invite her/him into the kitchen while cooking or ask him to join you to water the garden and start innocuously with something unrelated like school uniforms or basketball which he enjoys then act like you suddenly remembered. “Oh, you were trying to tell me something yesterday, I am all ears.” If you go straight to it, he/she may decide he no longer wants to tell you.
When you are discussing your children’s misdemeanour do not do it in front of the child concerned or even in front of the other children except it is a teachable moment. I have been known to use eye signs to bring my spouse to the bedroom so we can talk about an erring child.
Tone of voice matters to children. The way you scold a child matter. Loud voice for big errors, a softer tone for minor errors. Using a sledgehammer for small things often tells a child you have poor judgement. Be appropriate in tone.
Do not give a child everything they want. When you are no longer liquid, they would not believe you and begin to throw insane tantrums. Tell them gently why you cannot afford a toy house or toy motorbike. Give them phones that are age appropriate less they steal going forward to own the new trending phone.
Do not spoil your children. Tell them when they mess up. Set up boundaries. Let them know why they can’t go to some places and why they must return home before a curfew. Ground them when you have to. Tough love is good.
Love them. Tell them you love them. Teach them the way to go and they will not depart. Love them, teach them to love you back
Be on the same page with your spouse. Kids know how to play their parents. They know who is likely to say yea or no. Ensure you discuss issues and agree on how to react.
Watch that house girl or houseboy. They may have more influence on your kids and teach them things you do not want. Open your eyes. Stay Present in your own home.
Parenting is hard in today’s very complicated world but we must keep striving. We are moulding the future. It’s our duty. It’s our calling.
Happy new year to you all. I wish you a very successful year ahead full of glad tidings and God’s special favours.
