My mother said that out of all four of her children I was the easiest baby. I think what she meant was that I hardly cried, rarely fussed and was generally asleep. Which I guess was a good thing for her. She had a lot to deal with before she could get to me so I made it easy for her.
I kept doing this as I grew up. If one of my siblings dropped their ice cream, I’d give them mine so they’d stop making a scene. When someone had to sit in a middle seat, you can bet that would be me to stop my other siblings from throwing tantrums. In primary 4, when Clara Ajayi ate my lunch, I just shrugged and drank my water. In my third year in the University, my Financial Account professor lost my exam script and made me retake it, I just nodded and did it. There was no need making a fuss over it.
I was nicknamed “Jeje” because of my calm nature. I would never let anything bother me. Whoever coined the phrase, ‘cool, calm and collected’ must have had me in mind. It’s like, most times I wasn’t aware of the things going on around me, I pretended that I didn’t see them happening. I shut things out of my mind. I didn’t over think things. That way I didn’t expect much from people.
And you…
The first day you came up to me and offered to pay for my lunch. I didn’t take you seriously so I stayed quiet. Eventually, you flashed me that blinding smile and told me, “Guess I’ll take that as a yes.”
I think I said about three words to you that first day but I gave you my phone number and I answered when you called. We became inseparable afterwards. We were like two peas in a pod and I loved you more than anything else in this world. Five years later, we were married. Then the kids came, we have three of them. Our careers were bloosoming and we had a beautiful home. I lived a triangular life…home, work, church and you liked me that way. You wanted a homely and godly wife and you were lucky to have one.
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I did everything possible to keep the fire in our marriage burning. I tried to keep things exciting in the bedroom. I took care of you and the kids. I made sure I looked my best all the time. We never had to hire a nanny or housekeeper because I could take care of everything by myself. I supported you financially. You even testified that there could never be two people like me on Earth, yet you took everything for granted.
I can’t remember the point where you changed but you became a totally different person. You started to behave very badly and acted like you could do anything and get away with it. Your bad behavior was unending and you expected me to put up with all your nastiness.
No matter what I did or how hard I tried, sex only happened if and when you wanted it. You made it obvious that you were only indulging me. I miss the man I married, I miss my husband, I miss laying in bed with you and talking about everything, sometimes we talked about nothing in particular. I miss the way you looked at me that made me blush. I miss the way you called me Jeje with a foreign accent…that always cracked me up. I miss us.
For a long time, you prioritized everything else over our family. You were hurting me but I believed in what we have, I believed that it would only be a matter of time before your distractions would take the back seat and our lives would return to normal. I lived in denial about the situation. When I found out that you were cheating on me, I confronted you about it and you lied to me.
“The condom you found in my suitcase is not mine”. This was your response.
I remember that night like yesterday. The events that took place are as clear as day. I begged you not to go out because I had a premonition that something bad was going to happen. You laughed at me. I pleaded with you to stay at home, after all it was our wedding anniversary and also our daughter’s birthday. The table was set, dinner was ready, I made your favorite food. I looked all dolled up.
The kids were excited. I asked you to join us at the table, you kissed my forehead and walked away. I watched as you clean your lips and my heart sank. When did I become so repulsive that you’ll wipe your lips because you kissed my forehead. It hurt me so much that the person I love more than anything in this world was hurting me.
Well, I didn’t want your bad behavior to ruin our mood so I had a party with the children. We danced till we were exhausted. I was going to hit the bed when the call came…there had been an accident! I dragged myself out of the house to the hospital and there you were sprawled helplessly on the bed, drifting in and out of consciousness. News reached us that after a drinking spree with your friends, you got behind the wheels and ran your car into a stationary truck. Now you’re paralyzed from your waist down, confinde to a wheelchair chair, maybe for the rest of your life. Most of your buddies have suddenly disappeared. What a shame.
After several months in the hospital, the doctors say you can go home.. go home to who or to what if I may ask?
You have suddenly become Mr Nice Guy. You talk sweetly to me and the other day you even called me Jeje. You can’t stop apologizing, you tell me at every opportunity how sorry you are. It’s so sad to see that it took an accident to set you straight.
Sometimes I feel tempted to drown you in the bath tub. I feel like paying you back for all the times you were unkind to me. I feel like walking away with the children and leaving you with the inhouse nurse. I feel like punishing you but that’s not who I am. I also know that forgiveness is hard but it is possible. I know that you can’t make up for all you did and I can’t continue staying angry, I’ll only be hurting myself. So I choose to forgive you. It’s not going to be easy but I’m going to be here for you.
I’m not going to change who I am because of you.. I am not going to become somebody else just like you did. This is who I am. I am Jeje, I am me. I can never be anyone else.
