For the retired partners of KPMG who are still awaiting their gratuity and pension being detained or under protective custody in the stunningly beautiful countryside mansion was no punishment. It gave us plenty of time to savour our windfall or haul of loot from backing all the thirteen Irish winners at the Cheltenham (Horse Racing) Festival.
Our host and hostess would not reveal their true identities. To further compound the mystery, we were lounging around after a hearty and sumptuous breakfast when a military looking gentleman in a three-piece striped suit with impeccable good manners introduced himself to us but nevertheless refused to disclose his name, rank or regiment.
He insisted very firmly that he was not at liberty to disclose any further information. His mission was to ensure that the retired partners of KPMG and their spouses were comfortable. Besides, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II as well as the Prime Minister David Cameron had both been duly informed. Both of them had graciously given orders that under no circumstances were we to come to any harm or suffer any distress.
It turned out that apart from the massive amount of money we had won at the races, our five-star luxury bus carried “X KPMG” boldly on its windscreen as well as on both the right and left sides. That was what triggered the alarm – suggesting that we may be terrorists!! Unknown to us, while we were watching the races our bus was thoroughly searched for explosives and other weapons of mass destruction.
Anyway, the military gentleman informed us that we came pretty close to being attacked by armed robbers and kidnappers. According to him, we were at liberty to savour the exquisite splendour of the mansion and the vast surrounding grounds as well as the duck lake.
It turned out that he knew quite a lot about KPMG as his grandfather had served in the same regiment as Sir Ronald Leach during the Second World War (1939-1944). When Ronald Leach resumed his accountancy career after being demobbed, our newly found friend’s grandfather became not only his consultant but also a confidant. Ronald Leach eventually became the Senior Partner of KPMG and it was inevitable that he would share some of his most intimate concerns with his wartime buddy.
One of their first joint endeavours was to launch project S-M-A-R-T as a critical tool for identifying and grooming future leaders of the firm.
What they used to do was to assembly the candidates in an exclusive mansion in the countryside watch them perform tasks which were categorised into :
· Cognitive
· Manual
· Repetitive
· Non-Repetitive.
Out of the 100 points, the 30-mark question was: “Is There Life On Mars?” It was regarded as a true test of the candidate’s ability to think either “Within the Box” or “Outside The Box”.
Our mystery Military gentleman proceeded to remind us of the history of KPMG – going back to 1870.
According to him, spanning three centuries, the organisation’s history can be traced through the names of its principal founding members – whose initials form the name “KPMG”. K stands for Mr. Klynveld Piet Klynveld, P is for Peat William Barclay Peat, M is for Marwick James Marwick, and G is for Goerdeler Reinhard Goerdeler.
– 1911 William Barclay Peat & Co.
– 1979 Klynveld
– 1987 PMI.
As confirmation of the efficacy of S-M-A-R-T we are shown a video of Eddie Jones (born January 30, 1960) who an Australian rugby union coach and former player. He is the current head coach of the England national rugby union team. He is over the moon (and heading for Mars) following the success of England in the Six Nations Cup.
What was truly amazing was that the military gentleman proceeded to show us a replay of the CCTV footage of the retired partners of KPMG having a whale of a time at the Cheltenham (Horse Racing) Festival – qualifying Don Periguon Champagne along with strawberries right there in the Winners Circle. It was the bookmakers (the so-called “Turf Accountants”) who blew the whistle on us. They just could not fathom how we managed to pick and back so many winners – with no losers! Bankruptcy was starring them in the face. It was all due to the sagacity of our Irish Colleague – Seamus O’Donnel the wizard from Dublin.
Matters were not helped when the microphones picked up the inimitable Irish drawl of Seamus boasting that his father Paddy had taught him not to bother about doping horses. It was far cheaper and much more effective to tie the legs of all the horses except the one you intend to back with invisible string!!
We were all in stitches when we were presented with a recording of our boisterous breakfast (pre-Cheltenham) at the “Winking Crocodiles” pub in King’s Road, Chelsea, London.
It turned out that our long standing friend, Donald Trump (the bartender not the politician) had been under surveillance for treason.
Apparently, residents of Chelsea had, unlike the rest of Britain, declined to participate in cleaning up Britain ahead of the forthcoming 90th Birthday of Her Majesty the Queen on April 21, 2016.
As a subtle gesture of protest against increasing “nannyism”/micro-management (State control), residents of Chelsea have been winking at each other up and down King’s Road. It all started at the “Winking Crocodile” and Donald Trump is in mortal danger of being whisked off to “The Tower of London” for imprisonment to be followed by public execution or hanging. It would be up to him to make his choice known (last wish).
In anticipation of that outcome, Chelseans and the supporters of Chelsea Football Club have gone to town with T-Shirts emblazoned with : “Have you had a wink today?” “Would you rather have a wonk than a wink?
“Vote for Donald Trump as the next King of England”.
It must not go unrecorded that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is truly exceptional. Without prompting from Prince Charles, she has graciously extended diamond encrusted invitation cards to Mr.& Mrs Donald Trump of “The Winking Crocodile” and the retired partners of KPMG (who are still waiting for their gratuity and pension) to her fabulous and magnificent 90th Birthday party. The only party to beat the Queen’s party has to be on Mars – with Donald Trump behind the bar.
J.K. Randle
