The retired partners of KPMG who are still awaiting their gratuity and pension were gathered at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel, 1150 22nd St NW, Washington D.C. to honour the invitation of one of our own, – the new Ambassador of Zimboda to the United States of America, the most powerful nation in the world. Sorting out the new Ambassador’s Letter of Accreditation and Agreement had been a long drawn affair, largely on account of the fact that the host government claimed that it had discovered that our colleague was already 100 years old! He would easily qualify for mention in the Guinness Book of Records as the oldest serving Ambassador in the world.
Anyway, the President of Zimboda was adamant that it had to be him and nobody else. That the new Ambassador is the President’s brother should not be an impediment.
Neither should his age constitute an insurmountable obstacle. In his days as a partner in Peat Marwick Mitchell (the predecessor of KPMG), the Ambassador was known by only his first name – Crocodile! He insisted that it was his one and only name. According to him, a surname is a taboo in Zimboda.
He would merrily declare that only demons insist on surnames just to camouflage their devilish intentions and atrocities.
Even President Donald Trump and his Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, had huge problems dealing with what had started off as a routine diplomatic matter over the correct age and nomenclature of Ambassador Crocodile. Of course, Trevor Noah of Comedy Central and other comedians had a field day. They insisted that it was all contrived by Donald Trump as his own brand of fake news.
Matters were not helped by the acerbic and sarcastic testimonial on His Excellency Ambassador Crocodile and Zimboda delivered by erudite Professor Adebayo Williams.
“Yet it is now obvious that we have replaced an army of occupation who are no less predatory and nation-ravaging in their gluttonous and insatiable appetite for filthy lucre (with its civilian demons and emperors). The politics of occupation is far more dangerous than an army of occupation in its nation-disabling ethics and disdain for the ethics of nation growing. Civilian burglary of the exchequer is far worse than primitive plunder because it tends to become institutionalised and entrenched as time goes on.
The slave trade might have damaged the African psyche. But it is not western abductors or Arab slave raiders that have turned most countries in tropical Africa to modern hellholes for their people. It is kleptocracy and political cannibalism.
Those who have not been devastated are voting with their sturdy limb. Their patience exhausted by the moral, spiritual, economic and political bankruptcy of the continent, they turn their back on family and friends forever.
Yet if one cannot argue with an earthquake, one can at least study its momentum and master its inner logic.”
As a counterpoise to mendacity, plunder and impunity, veteran journalist Sarah Vine (who is actually the wife of Michael Gove, the British Secretary of State for Justice) previously at the “Mirror”; “Guardian”; “Mail on Sunday”; “Daily Express”; “The Times” newspapers and currently “Tattler” magazine gave Britain a clean bill of health:
“One of the great things about Britain is that we don’t have a corrupt government; we don’t have a corrupt business sector; we don’t have the mafia (unlike Italy). In Italy you can’t do anything without paying someone money.”
As confirmation that Zimboda has outstripped Italy, here is the witness statement (which has gone viral) by Engineer Manny Igbenoba, Managing Director, 7T Microns Power Limited:
“If I say the impact of Ease of Doing Business on the private sector has been positive, that percentage is not up to 10 per cent. And the ease of Doing Business, that’s on mental policy, but theattitude needs to change. Zimbodians are corrupt from the top to the bottom. That’s the truth.”
Fortunately, we have the intervention of Mrs. Farida Waziri, former Assistant Inspector-General of Police and Chairman of Economic and Financial Crimes Commission [EFCC] in Zimboda:
On CNN’s Market Place Africa, hosted by Zain Asher, she was indomitable:
“I was approached for the first time at EFCC for the chairmanship and somebody said I should lobby but I said I don’t lobby for jobs; and I don’t advise people to lobby for jobs. You might just lobby yourself into hell. I believe in God. I believe what is worth doing is worth doing well. I believe a good name is better than silver and gold. I believe money is not everything; that is my guiding philosophy. You find a lot of men in this country that are so lily-livered, so much, that if you want to tell them the truth, you have to get an ambulance handy because they will collapse.”
Her bluntness has made her the toastof American media – radio and television talk shows as well as newspapers and magazines which have been feasting on her revelations regarding her ordeal as Chairman of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission compound by the then Minister of Justice and Attorney-General of the Federation, Michael Aondoakaa who is from the same Local Government Area, (Gboko, Benue State) as Farida.
She endeared herself to all and sundry with her incisive police investigation/security report:
“If you go to some villages you will see abject want and poverty, you see people who live on garri for breakfast, lunch and dinner, someone who has not seen N1000 in a month, yet some people get away with crimes and they hear people talking about billions and billions; when this kind of thing, the gap between the rich and the poor keeps getting wider and wider, and when that sort of thing continues to happen, resentment sets in. All kinds of offences that we never used to have like kidnapping are as a result of that. Remember, what we used to have was just robbery, and then came robbery with violence, then there was armed robbery where the assailant says to you give me the keys, and after you had complied he still shoots the victim; this is as a result of that resentment.”
She should have added the exhortation from St. Paul:
“We do not wrestle against flesh and blood but against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over the present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.”
Additionally, she should have availed herself of the vital statistics provided by the National Bureau of Statistics [NBS]:
“The number of unemployed Zimbodians rose from 7.51 million in 2015 to 11.19 million at the end of September 2016.”
Bashorun J. K. Randle FCA; OFR
