We do not control our first breath nor do we control the last one, for this reason alone we should have this difficult conversation called death with ourselves and our children. Our culture makes it look like it’s a taboo and this has a major effect on us all.
I understand this is an uncomfortable discussion and we often stay in a place of denial which helps parent cope but prolonged denial is very harmful to themselves and the child.
I have heard a lot of people make statements like “I wish my parents said something” if only they told us we would have been more equipped and understood what to do and often times they hold their parents responsible for their subtle ignorance.
Growing up in the city of Benin in Nigeria was quite an interesting one. I saw first-hand how my childhood friends or neighbours lost their parents or siblings and the chaotic situations that followed afterwards, from denial to lies, neglect and many more.
I grew up in a community where every child was your child and the saying that “a village raises a child” was very evident while growing up, my friend had lost her mother and we had no information as to what had happened, we arrived home from school one day and my mum asked me to accompany her and she said whatever you do hold your friend’s hands and pat her back. We arrived at her house, and she was immediately informed immediately of her mother’s death, she screamed out in so much pain but I noticed people tried to calm her and my mum said allow her express her emotions and just explain what is going on to her. I also was in shock because my mother did not mention anything to me about the death and I was just thrown into the role of a caregiver and how it impacted on me wasn’t known and that’s because our parents do not know any better.
The lack of preparation for situations like this throws the families especially the children into a pitiful state, most times children even lose their homes, stop going to school, malnutrition and worse off may even loose the remaining surviving parent to a terrible decision.
I strongly believe parents should have age-appropriate discussions concerning death with their children, it is a difficult conversation but it must be done. When one of the parents dies, several questions are asked, who will take care of the children, who is the trusted relative or caregiver? Is there going to be another mother or father, do they plan on getting married? And so on.
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This is one of the many reasons parents should inculcate the right values and morals at an early age, teach them life skills and do not shield them away from reality.
The process of death should be explained to children because it sets them off when it happens, their emotions are everywhere, everything becomes a mess, it becomes extremely difficult and hard for them to function as themselves because they are unable to process the happenings.
Children should not be allowed to grieve alone or figure it out all by themselves, they usually feel a sense of guilt and can go mute because there is really no one to talk to and they are in a confused state because nobody has told them if it’s their fault everyone is sad or someone has passed on.
When we do not talk to our children about death, other people who are not intelligent enough pick on them at those times and they are verbally bullied with horrible words. They get panic attacks just seeing other parents around and keep thinking about what they could do if their parent were still alive. However, the right support can help children go through the process.
HOW TO HAVE THE CONVERSATION WITH YOUR CHILD
We can start by telling our children why people die, it is a learning experience for both parent and child. Sometimes it feels like the truth will be too brutal for the child, but nothing really prepares anyone for death, even as adults, we get anxious about it as well, but it is something we should prepare for especially by talking to our children about it.
We might feel the word death is not appropriate but we use the word dead around the house e.g., a dead flower, a dead dog, or a dead pet. So, when explaining to a child, you can tell them that the heart which is the most important part of the body that allows us to live has stopped working and that is what helps humans breathe, and because the heart has stopped, they can no longer function here anymore like we do. Be as truthful and logical as you can for their age.
Explain to them the different scenarios, as it could be an accident, illness, or whatever it was and every question they bring up must be answered. Do not forget to add that things happen suddenly as well.
I remember seeing my mum cry a lot at a particular time of the year I never knew why until I was in my 30s and she explained that she was still mourning my older brother who I never saw, I saw his pictures and I thought that was my baby brother because they look so alike, and my younger brother also thought he was the one until we asked her and she still found it difficult to talk to us about the situation but did the best she could to explain.
Building strong support communities that can help children go through their grieving process of death should be done intentionally. This community can be made up of families, friends or allies.
Death in itself might not be understood but we can educate the minds of our wards and prepare them for it.
