On the 17th of December, my best friend and confidant Mr Thompson Enemona Abu and I celebrated our thirtieth wedding anniversary. It was just like yesterday when he proposed to an awkward twenty year old and refused to take no for an answer. By the time I was twenty one and he was twenty six, we knew we were meant for each other. By the way, he also turned fifty six a couple of days after our anniversary. Happy anniversary is in order as is Happy Birthday to the man who holds me up, supports me and forgives my foibles. I celebrate my spouse, a man of many parts, a gentleman, a good father and without mincing words, a good husband and a good human being. I thank him for giving me the wings to fly, the wonderful life we have shared and for strengthening me in the face of everything life has thrown at me. I hope that I have tried to live an exemplary life as a wife and mother in spite of life’s vulnerabilities and challenges. The best part of this tale is that we are constantly learning and no matter how many times we are stuck, our faith will hold us up and our communities will always be there for us.
I have met couples who have wondered how we managed to live together all these years without problems. But that is a fallacy. There is no marriage without challenges. You just learn to rise above them, have faith, beg God, be each other’s best friends, laugh a lot and invite no third party into your disagreements. I am lucky to be married to a man who is also very funny; a good dose of humour helps and the ability to share, to communicate and to laugh at one’s self. My husband completes me and we have thankfully had many more ups than downs. God’s grace is sufficient, as is love and patience.
When I counsel new couples, I tell them that if they are not each other’s best friends, they are in big trouble. You should be able to be foolish before your wife and before your husband. You should know each other’s vulnerabilities and strengths. You should complement each other and be sympathetic of each other’s weaknesses. Beyond that, you should keep each other company; think about each other’s welfare even in the most difficult circumstances. Call; find out if your spouse has had lunch. In between meetings, let them know how much you love them, ask about those things you discussed last night that bothered them. Is his car still giving trouble? Is he alright? Did she manage to get her hair done, has she eaten? It may all sound frivolous to the uninitiated but these are the small things that keep a marriage going. It’s fun and can be exhilarating but it is not an easy terrain.
You are about to start living with a complete stranger. What are the odds that you will not end up with a serial killer, a wife beater or a husband molester? What are the odds that you will not end up with a nagging woman, a serial debtor or a narcissist?
This is the reason why churches and mosques, counsellors and relations must help young people choose carefully. There are a few churches that defraud young people and take advantage of their vulnerability. “This year is your year to be married,” the fake pastor thunders from the pulpit. He takes money from the young person desperate to marry and introduces her to a fraudster who deceives her and runs off with her life’s savings leaving her suicidal. Many good girls and boys are seeking partners. Let me advice as I always do. No man can pair you. Pray and be more research oriented. Study the man, know his background, know his habits, his faults lines and check if you can tolerate at least 3 of 5 fault lines. Look at his positives and embrace and celebrate them. For the guys, look for a woman who is kind hearted and warm, whose fault lines you can tolerate. Tall, beautiful and dressy is not all that makes a woman. If while you are courting, she detests a baby’s puke and acts like she is too good to nanny your cousin’s daughter for half a day then watch out. Is she ready to grow with you, does she need a readymade man? Does she nag? Is she always in debt? Check her humanity then love her for who she is. No one is perfect. Learn from each other. We all have our shortcomings as long as they are not life threatening. Overall my husband and I have each other’s backs. We talk over everything. Communication is the key to every relationship.
Watch out for those in-laws; that favourite aunty of your husband who is meddlesome, that sister of your wife who thinks you are not good enough.
Marriage is a beautiful thing but must be well managed and maintained.
I hope my take has been useful.
By: Eugenia Abu
