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It never ceases to amaze us. Bring up the topic of perfectionism in a room full of corporate CEOs, college presidents or U.S. Naval Academy midshipmen, and you’ll see the same knowing smiles and nods. Moreover, you’ll hear thinly veiled bravado about who among them is the most-perfect perfectionist.
The erroneous notion of “good perfectionism” is so widespread that many people struggle to distinguish toxic perfectionism from positive characteristics such as desiring achievement, striving for excellence and setting high personal performance standards. Research by psychologist Thomas Greenspon indicates that it is a mistake to conflate perfection with striving for excellence. The notion of good perfectionism turns out to be a hopeless oxymoron. If perfectionists are successful at work, it is despite their perfectionism, not because of it.
The science on perfectionism as a personality syndrome reveals that it consists of two elements. First, perfectionists set high — and clearly unattainable — standards for themselves. Second, perfectionists are relentless in criticizing themselves for failing to achieve those performance hurdles.
In their quest to avoid mistakes, perfectionists stifle their creativity and avoid taking necessary risks. They’re also much more likely to suffer from symptoms of depression, anxiety, hopelessness and even suicidal thinking.
Perfectionism appears to blossom from a combination of genetic predisposition, parental behavior or modeling and sociocultural factors. Gender also matters. Not only are women more prone to “inherit” a parent’s perfectionism, but they also encounter a host of biases and stereotypes that can fuel the need to strive for flawless performance. Among these, the prove-it-again bias may be the most pernicious. To be seen as equally competent, women are often required to demonstrate their competence repeatedly. Men are more likely to be evaluated on potential, while women are evaluated on performance. And performance standards for women tend to be strictly enforced.
In historically masculine organizations and professions, women are more vulnerable to impostor syndrome. In these contexts, even the most competent and high-achieving women can harbor doubts about whether they belong. Such internalized gender bias, coupled with stereotypes at work, may create a perfect storm of self-doubt, self-criticism and the setting of impossible standards.
Perfectionists are tough to mentor or coach. They never let a mentor discern areas for growth and development. Not even relative weaknesses are shared. And so a perfectionist’s desperate need to appear flawless may sabotage the value of mentoring.
What’s a mentor to do? Here are strategies for helping a mentee overcome the most insidious effects of workplace perfectionism:
— CHECK YOUR OWN PERFECTIONISM AT THE DOOR. Be cautious about the model you offer mentees, and understand the risk of endorsing a mentee’s perfectionism.
— FOCUS ON AFFIRMATION, VALIDATION, ENCOURAGEMENT AND SUPPORT. Express value for your mentee, not his performance, first and foremost. When your mentee falls short or believes he has failed, help him cultivate a sense of inquiry and risk-taking about what went wrong and different approaches for moving forward.
— FIRMLY BUT KINDLY IDENTIFY PERFECTIONIST THOUGHTS AND BEHAVIORS. Challenge your mentee to recognize and reject unreasonable demands.
— SHARE SOME OF YOUR OWN MISSTEPS. Show your mentee how you learned from your mistakes, how each has been an opportunity for growth and, most importantly, how you continue to accept and like yourself as a fallible human who strives for imperfect excellence.
— NEVER FEIGN COMPETENCE YOU DON’T HAVE. It is often helpful to say, “I don’t know that; let’s find out together,” giving your mentee permission to not have all the answers.
— USE HUMOR. Empathic humor can be medicine for the troubled soul. For instance, try a paradoxical intervention to lightheartedly highlight a mentee’s catastrophizing: “Yes, if you don’t perform flawlessly in the meeting this afternoon, I’ll bet both of us will be fired on the spot, end up homeless and never find work again.”
— PUSH YOUR MENTEE TO BE OPEN TO IMPERFECTION. Have your mentee deliberately make some minor mistakes and refuse to fix them. For instance, ask him to send you an email filled with typos — and to tolerate the anxiety it may create.
— ACCEPT THAT PERFECTIONISTS CAN BE TOUGH TO HELP. And recognize that you are a thoroughly imperfect mentor.
